Showing posts with label Poetry. Show all posts

Olympic Sunday Morning

My brain is foggy like an Olympic Sunday morning
The clouds gently hugging the mountainside
A cool breeze tickling my skin
and raising the hair on my arms
A waterfall asserts its strength nearby
filling my ears with the faint hum of running water
When I sit down to write, my hands forget the motions
and all thought leaves my mind
How do I write about the loneliness in my spine?
Or the grief that fills me up like wet concrete
molding itself to fit around me
making every motion a challenge?
Nobody wants to hear how difficult it is just to get out of bed
Or the strength I need to find just to open the front door

My therapist gives me advice on how to be in the moment
Mindfulness - the art of being completely in the present
She teaches me skills to help combat the wolves
She tells me to distract myself
Improve the moment
She doesn't say what to do if the moment is what scares me
She doesn't say what to do if everything I do
reduces my moments to ashes
She doesn't say what to do if every distraction
is worse than the moment
She doesn't say what to do if the darkness lives in my bones
She doesn't say because there is nothing else to say

My doctor tells me to take these pills
To bathe my brain in chemicals
Just to see what happens
This one causes rashes, this one causes diarrhea
This one lowers your sex drive and this one can increase suicidal thoughts
Lithium, Depakote, Klonapin, Xanax, Celexa, Prozac, Zoloft, Abilify
Major Depressive Disorder, Bipolar II, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD
No one knows what to call the sadness behind my eyes
They can only target my behaviors
As I search for a way to stay alive
This isn't living
Its survival.

Everything you do in life will be meaningless
a water lilly on the face of a raging river
But what matters is that you do it
Because its all you have to do
Your choices give meaning to your life
And allow you to leap over the gaping chasm of nothingness
in which lies the meaning of life and death
A black hole that will suck you in if you let it
There is a storm coming
There will always be a storm coming
Its up to you to decide if you want to cower inside
Or say "to hell with it" and walk proudly through the rain
and when you do
I will be there with you
tears mixing with the rain
holding out my hand
begging you to walk beside me
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Number One - An Internal Monologue

It's your only weapon
to combat the wolves in your brain
that leave tally marks across your skin,
upwards until you die
always counting like a child
learning to count for the first time. 
One potato, two potato, three potato four
Take these pill, cut vertically and lie down on the floor
You loved the wording on the side of the bottle
FATAL IF SWALLOWED
So final, so secure in itself
You knew what you wanted and
you knew how to get it.
Manipulation becomes you.
She drove here for you
she bought the toilet bowl cleaner for you
she drove out of state for you
Fire doesn't begin to describe
the searing in your throat
or the fear in hers.
You lie down to get some rest
the thoughts leaving your brain
like a tree on a blissful autumn afternoon.
Do you feel the lethargy?
That is your body beginning to shut down.
You feel the nausea?
That is the internal bleeding from
the hole in your stomach.
Feel the tingle in your limbs
starting with your hands and feet
and slowly crawling to your core?
You are dying.
They will say you lived a good life
that you were so troubled
that you had been depressed.
They will tear your mother apart
like cannon fodder to fuel the macabre game
that is human curiosity.
They will send condolences and have memorials
celebrating a past that never happened
and a future that never will.
They will mourn the idea of you
because that is the thing to do. 
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Whispers

We speak in whispers
rolling gentle across our tongues
like a canoe on the ocean.
She clasps her heart with both hands,
kisses it softly and holds it out to me -
an offering on the altar that she has built
from the faces of all the girls she's ever loved.
I show her the piece of my heart that remains
untainted by the pain of separation.
She takes it and chews,
her teeth caught on the chewy bits of life
taking me into her, consuming. 
With respect I take hers, fractured and scarred
I stroke it gently, its rhythm still beating
in time with my breathing.
I kiss it, cradling her heart
like a child - protective and caring.
"Don't break it," she whispers in my ear,
her lips touching my earlobe ever so lightly.
"its my only heart."
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Leaves

So many leaves in this department store
So much dirt on your pristine floor
I can't clean it all myself
I try to hold them in my hands
but they fall through me like sand
I wish that I could put them back on the shelf
No matter how I try to clean and
place the leaves inside of me
they just keep coming back
all muddied, charred, and black
It seems that each one's heavier than the last
You look at me expectantly
I'm helpless now I think you see
But it comforts you to have me around
and When I leave they follow me
through the hills and past the trees
I'm almost driven crazy by the sound
You know I want to stay and play
but I need to dissociate
from all the leaves that fall on this gorgeous autumn day
and sit back as they all burn away
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Mirrors

The mirror is looking back at me
eyes pleading silently
begging me to fix
the gaping hole thats in the middle
I was never good with tools but
I do all that I can to keep it from shattering
watching from a distance
but close enough to catch the pieces
Bound and gagged with piano wire,
I watch with horror as the mirror cries
showing me the shards inside
Medication doesn't last forever
Now its done try to forget
Flush away prescription regret
It kills me every time
To see reflected loss of time
Fairy tales sometimes come true
If anyone deserves a happy ending, its you.
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Cassy

Roses are red like my heart bled for you
Crimson parachutes evacuate from 30,000ft
And split into tiny perfect circles on the ground
Painted there displayed like a cheap masterpiece
For you to critique as you see fit
Violets are blue like the violent eyes
Staring back at me as I wonder
how clean the mirror really is
or if its my reflection
that makes the glass filthy.
I see nothing but your judgement
as I look across the isle
happier than I've seen you in a long while
and I'm not there.
I left myself on the ground
So I open the door and jump
plummeting to the ocean floor
When I turn I see your face
as the plane flies away
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Tennessee

"Its been such a long day," I whisper to myself
As the Tennessee hills are zooming past
You look so tired sitting there
The wind dancing with your hair
As happy music imposes itself
The silence is so deafening
These happy songs don't mean a thing
We both know why we're driving here
Running from this constant fear
Of ghosts and cold and broken home
Of more than just being alone
Driving from persistent pyre
Fueled by only tears and fire
I don't know where we're going
But I hope we make it there alive
Its dark outside, should we sleep now?
Pull into the rest stop just to get a little rest
No, we aren't there yet
But if you swallow all your sorrow
Close your eyes and just wait
We'll be there by tomorrow
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She

She sits (e)motionless, rewind
She's crying for hours at a time
Every night that she tries
She puts on her face but its all just a lie
All the shit that she buys
To fill the place where she was left behind
She's cutting her ties
Just to buy her some time
Now the wood where she sits
Doesn't make her feel more alive
Of course she revives
but she's dying inside
Expel, go through hell, clean up but never tell
Every cell in her body screaming no
But theres nowhere to go but up
She tells the wolves to shut up
Tells herself to nut up
She doesn't have to put up
With the voices in her head
that tell her she's fucked up
Try to help her get up
But its like she's stuck
And I can't help but to feel sympathy
Because I've been there before
In that place of darkness
Feeling like you're heartless
But only because its tearing out of your chest
There's no rest for the wicked
Wicked rest for a sick kid
We can buy you a ticket
out of hell
Thats how it feels with this shit
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What Its Like

So I have a lot of poems I've written that are meant to be spoken word pieces. They are written in a notebook and are very stream of consciousness. I'm starting the process of transcribing them from my notebook to my blog. This is the first.

----
10/04/13

It starts like a wolf whispering in promises and metaphors.
A lone wolf it cries out in the light
making the most innocent past times into an eerie schoolyard scene.
Its shadow breaking up the sunshine creating rays of light
that always seem to fall between my fingers.
Its like an uneasiness too subtle to put into words that creeps inside my veins
filling my heart with doubt.
"Hush," I say. "Sleep now and all will be well."
The wolf growls and slowly cries itself to sleep.
Another day goes by.

Its like a howl on the horizon.
A lone wolf still at the edge of my increasingly putrid thoughts
taunting me with its tell tale heart.
Closer it comes and louder it howls
until I can take no more and I growl back.
The wolf backs down and cries itself to sleep.
Its darker this time, the shadow blocking out the sun almost completely
beads of light piercing through giving me a glimpse of home.
Another day goes by.

Its like a cancer attacking every cell in my body.
I can feel myself giving in to my morbid diathesis
and the wolf has grown too.
Multiplied now in two, it blacks out the sun entirely
biting and scratching in the darkness.
It hunts for my arteries but finds my thighs
parting me like paper liquid guilt spilling out over my ivory skin
and ruining the cheap tile floor that I've chosen as my altar
offering myself as a sacrifice.
Salted memories are stinging my eyes and all I can do is watch it happen
helpless....useless.
All that is left to do is wait for them to sleep and yet another day goes by.

The strength of the wolf is the pack
and this time they speak in confusion and loneliness.
No more metaphors, no more promises.
Just cold hard truth
and all that's left to do is indulge.
Every gasping breath becomes a suicide note
begging to be read by anyone that will take the time
It becomes an answer to everything
Missed work? Kill yourself.
Forgot to feed the cat? Kill yourself.
She's prettier than you? Kill yourself.
Louder and louder the pack surrounds me
telling me I'm worthless
clawing and biting
their teeth leaving scars
the pain is exquisite but they snap at every thought of release
Inside my head I scream but no one can hear

What do I do? What do I do?
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

Louder and louder and louder
until I wake up staring into the eyes of the ER doctor
asking me with all the sympathy money can buy
"What did you do to yourself?"
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Breathe deep


Description - This story takes the reader into the mind of a paranoid heroin addict.
 
Breathe deep…..exhale. Slower this time…breathe. Its almost here and I don’t know what to do. Its never been this bad before. Just a few more….

“Angela.”

Who’s there? Is it him again? I knew he would come for me again, I just knew it!

“Angela, are you OK?”

Snap. “What? Umm..” Jolt. “Yeah I…I’m fine.”

“You look tired. Did you sleep last night?” Try as you might Daniel, you’re not getting in again. I will not be your tool. Not again.

Angela looked up at her boss’s face. She was almost panting at this point, as if she was holding onto something with her life. “I’m fine, I’m just a little tired is all.” She managed to choke out a coherent thought in the midst of this madness. Daniel looked down at her with his most sympathetic face and began to speak in his deepest kind-hearted voice.

“Your shift ends in an hour. Just take the rest of the day off. Try to get some sleep.”
Just like the pervert. Get me all rested up for you. Well, if you think this time is going to be the same then you’ve…

“Thank you sir. I … I can send you the rest of the case file by email if you’d like.”

“Get some sleep,” he said as he turned to walk away. Angela waited until he was out of sight, gathered her briefcase and files, and rushed off to her car without speaking to anyone along the way.
The ride home was the longest 30 minutes of her life. Upon entering, she immediately found what she was waiting for all day. Glory. I have been waiting for you all day my love. Bliss set in, that horrible bliss that washed away all the bad thoughts. The needle was cold, or maybe her skin was warm. I don’t know. She unraveled the tourniquet, threw the demon needle on the ground, and began her decent. Sleep. I need sleep. The bed had never felt so comfortable, and the heroin never felt so consuming. Yawn. Exhale. Everything will be better in…just….a few…

“Daniel? What are you doing here? I thought that…”

“Come to me love, I can take you away. No I’m not mad at you. It was only a wedding. You had every right to leave. If you loved my brother more, no one can blame you for that. You must follow your heart.”

Wedding? What is he talking about. I remember….something… Oh yes. The wedding. Our wedding that never was. It was your fault.

The wedding bells were loud and painful to her ears. Everything was black, no…white. Maybe it was both? That’s not important. They were all shades of gray. Here comes the bride. Walk.

The faces in the crowd turned accusingly, piercing through my veins like the needle with whom I had fallen in love. Just keep walking. Monsters. Their faces were pale with cold black eyes, staring at me. That man is not a priest, but an executioner. If only I could see under his hood…Daniel? My love? He was dressed in black with shades of rainbow. “You may kiss the bride.” Came what sounded like the very voice of god, or the devil….my devil. Daniel leaned in to kiss her. Pain pain pain. She felt like someone had just stabbed her in the back. The gentle embrace had become her not so gentle demise. Her body was being ripped apart. She couldn’t breathe. Help. Help. She looked into the crowd as this monster tore at her flesh, the red staining her beautiful white or gray dress. She looked desperately for her mother, but found only mice.

Mice?

Giant mice. Everywhere. Much bigger than she was. She was in a court room. “No further questions your honor,” she said without intending it. She was watching from somewhere….somewhere safe? She didn’t know, but only that she was watching herself. The judge looked at the rat on the witness stand. He stroked his tiny whiskers and appraised the court house. I could see the snide little look on his rat face as he stared a hole through my veins. It burns. “GUILTY,” came the boom of the rat’s voice as he stared straight at Angela. Screaming. Is this me? Am I screaming? Yes, SOMEBODY HELP! The scream came from deep inside the rat’s throat, all the way through my being.

This isn’t a courtroom. Angela could feel the rope around her neck as the executioner pulled the platform away, causing her to fall to her death. The rope squeezed tighter, tighter until she couldn’t breathe anymore. When will I stop falling?

Buzz.

She fell onto a mattress of razorblades. Scream. Pain. The windows came from nowhere and shattered. The glass was sticking into her hands and her eyes. Pain. Everywhere hurt from the glass.

Buzz.

Loud music. Nightmares. Monsters. Help. Someone please help me. Snakes. Everywhere. “Raise above” said the biggest snake. He looked at Angela and spoke clearly and defiantly. Laughter. “Now abhor yourself as much as you revile your own craving. WAKE UP!”
Buzz.

The doorbell was louder than she had ever remembered. She awoke, sweating and screaming. The sound came from the door. “Miss, are you OK? I heard screaming. Hello?”

“I’m…I’m fine it was just…just a nightmare,” Angela managed to choke out through the vomit that was coming up.

“Ok, I was just checking. Are you sure you’re all right?”

“Yes. Please go away.” Vomit.

She looked at the digital alarm clock, which flashed the time in a most taunting way. Midnight already? She needed air. She walked over to the window of her 10th floor apartment and opened the balcony window. Look at yourself. Angela was leaning against the wall at the only spot she had allowed to show light from the outside world. She was shaking. She looked over at the needle on the floor and began crying, screaming.

Angela Erickson, you are dead to me.
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Solitude [IRL]

I wrote this a while ago.



Life stands still, empty
Dreams unfulfilled, searching
For the impossible?
No.
Hide yourself, such a clever carpenter
Behind a wall of binary
Pixelate your world and you will see
A world of possibilities.
Your dreams in high resolution
Anything you want to be.
Emoti[c]on is a click away
Smile, you're on camera.
Break down the [fire]walls
You can't get to me.

Life speeds up, busy
Get out of [My]Space
Get out of my Face[book]
Sensory reality Trojan horse
Google how it smells
Don't need to feel [animated]
Life has [Digital] meaning
Inhale the fiber optics
LOL [YCG2M]
[Down]load feeling
Up[Load] your life
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Whatever

You loved me once that wasn't a lie
Your kiss doesn't lie
Like we would lie
For hours in time
Talking about the things on our minds
Now it isn't so kind without a spine
The bruise of loneliness entwined
Like the ghost your hand in mine
Nails scratch and claw, I wanted it all
My mind lands on these land mines
Guess I didn't see the signs
Everything I see reminds me of you
Guess I was just rubber and you were the glue
And I'd take it all back if you wanted to
Give anything to hold you anew
Or get back the memories of the girl I once knew
"We were both unhappy. It was mutual"
Why?
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Thump, crunch.

I fell asleep on a beam of light
And woke up in a station
I saw your words before I heard them
Heard your voice before I saw you
Saw your face before you saw me
Knew you'd leave before you met her
And I don't know but I can only guess
Why.

Now when I think about you
My heart sings in time
Thump-thump thump-thump thump-thump
When I hear you sing
Your voice becomes a megaphone
My heart screaming to the beat
Thump-harder thump-faster
When you touch my skin
Your callused fingers tear into me
The warmth heats up my heart
Until I feel it might explode
Thumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthump
And when you leave my heart sinks into my feet
Crushed by my ever step
Thump-crunch
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Life in the valleys


Life in the valley
There are no roads here, only alleys
Where the shadows dwell
The shadows of what might have been
Every day is cloudy
Where the light can scarce be seen
And the rain will wash away
Everything the people feel
Until their eyes are soaked
But emotions run dry
No one leaves their home here
Demons haunt the yards
And stalk them as they sleep
Vampires that will drain the people dry
Regret and Nostalgia they call them here
Twins
And there is no one there to help

Surrounding the valley are mountains,
High as the sun that no one can see
Vast as the ocean where the people are drowning
And on the mountaintop, the people are bathed in light
It’s a Bohemian dream
Where everything and nothing is exactly how it seems
Everyone is a slave to creativity
There are children running and playing
With enough energy to power an electronics store
Everything and everyone is connected here
There is never any fear
And looking down there are only clouds
No worries because everything makes sense
but the dread in your stomach
Hope is a 4 letter word here
Until the inevitable fall
Back down to the valley
Where there are no roads, only darkened alleys.
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