Ice Cream and Hyperbole

She sits (e)motionless, rewind
She's crying for hours at a time
Every night that she tries
She puts on her face but its all just a lie
All the shit that she buys
To fill the place where she was left behind
She's cutting her ties
Just to buy her some time
Now the wood where she sits
Doesn't make her feel more alive
Of course she revives
but she's dying inside
Expel, go through hell, clean up but never tell
Every cell in her body screaming no
But theres nowhere to go but up
She tells the wolves to shut up
Tells herself to nut up
She doesn't have to put up
With the voices in her head
that tell her she's fucked up
Try to help her get up
But its like she's stuck
And I can't help but to feel sympathy
Because I've been there before
In that place of darkness
Feeling like you're heartless
But only because its tearing out of your chest
There's no rest for the wicked
Wicked rest for a sick kid
We can buy you a ticket
out of hell
Thats how it feels with this shit

So I have a lot of poems I've written that are meant to be spoken word pieces. They are written in a notebook and are very stream of consciousness. I'm starting the process of transcribing them from my notebook to my blog. This is the first.

----
10/04/13

It starts like a wolf whispering in promises and metaphors.
A lone wolf it cries out in the light
making the most innocent past times into an eerie schoolyard scene.
Its shadow breaking up the sunshine creating rays of light
that always seem to fall between my fingers.
Its like an uneasiness too subtle to put into words that creeps inside my veins
filling my heart with doubt.
"Hush," I say. "Sleep now and all will be well."
The wolf growls and slowly cries itself to sleep.
Another day goes by.

Its like a howl on the horizon.
A lone wolf still at the edge of my increasingly putrid thoughts
taunting me with its tell tale heart.
Closer it comes and louder it howls
until I can take no more and I growl back.
The wolf backs down and cries itself to sleep.
Its darker this time, the shadow blocking out the sun almost completely
beads of light piercing through giving me a glimpse of home.
Another day goes by.

Its like a cancer attacking every cell in my body.
I can feel myself giving in to my morbid diathesis
and the wolf has grown too.
Multiplied now in two, it blacks out the sun entirely
biting and scratching in the darkness.
It hunts for my arteries but finds my thighs
parting me like paper liquid guilt spilling out over my ivory skin
and ruining the cheap tile floor that I've chosen as my altar
offering myself as a sacrifice.
Salted memories are stinging my eyes and all I can do is watch it happen
helpless....useless.
All that is left to do is wait for them to sleep and yet another day goes by.

The strength of the wolf is the pack
and this time they speak in confusion and loneliness.
No more metaphors, no more promises.
Just cold hard truth
and all that's left to do is indulge.
Every gasping breath becomes a suicide note
begging to be read by anyone that will take the time
It becomes an answer to everything
Missed work? Kill yourself.
Forgot to feed the cat? Kill yourself.
She's prettier than you? Kill yourself.
Louder and louder the pack surrounds me
telling me I'm worthless
clawing and biting
their teeth leaving scars
the pain is exquisite but they snap at every thought of release
Inside my head I scream but no one can hear

What do I do? What do I do?
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

Louder and louder and louder
until I wake up staring into the eyes of the ER doctor
asking me with all the sympathy money can buy
"What did you do to yourself?"

She speaks, her voice tantalizing my ear. I sit impatiently waiting, watching the Seattle greenery go past and listening to my savior. She is my siren calling to me from across the country. I can hear her song louder in my head as we approach. It reverberates against the walls I've put up around my head, shaking this castle to its very core.

I see her tying her shoe while trying to hold the phone against her shoulder - standard cell-phone-while-busy position. She is wearing jeans with a black jacket and a yellow-orange scarf. Her hair falls beside her face, framing perfection between the strands. I do not tell her I see her right away. The moment is too perfect so I sit beside her as close as etiquette will allow, possibly a bit closer. I hang up and she doesn't look at me right away. She sits paralyzed by the moment, knowing I am there but unable to speak.

"Hey," I say to her.

"Hi," comes her tentative reply.

Eternities pass in seconds. I know what I want but am afraid she doesn't want the same. I push the thought away and gather the pieces of my heart from my feet to rest them gently on my sleeve.

"I know we are both thinking it, so I'm just going to do it."

I have never been so forward in my life. The risk pays off ten-fold. I gently grab her face and pull myself to her. There are few words that exist in the English language that accurately describe the feeling. My stomach is floating, presumably to gather all of my insecurities. Her lips are soft and warm despite the morning chill. She tastes like promise. She tastes like hope. She tastes like hot chocolate on a cool winter day.

This is my favorite place in Seattle. If I should die tomorrow, do not fret for in this moment I am truly alive.

I was browsing through my old livejournal, which is more embarrassing than not, and I happened upon this story I wrote in 2004. I like to think my writing has evolved from there. I guess this is throwback Friday?

William paced the room of his cottage over and over, trying to find an answer. He had spent all of this morning and most of tonight thinking about it. He explored and ripped out every crevice of his mind looking for answers.

"Maybe there aren't any", he thought to himself. "No...there has to be something I'm missing."

The cottage was small and dark with only the light of the moon shining into the corner. William had come from a rich background, his mother and father both noblemen of France. This cottage was all he had to escape from that life. With the constant attention and public appearances, he had no time at all to think. This tiny little cottage in the woods was a lot different from the palace in Marseille. There he had servants, extravagant bedroom sets, the finest food and wine, quality clothing. Lately there seemed little meaning for any of it. The wine had lost its taste, the clothing seemed bland, and the expensive silk on his bed seemed excessive.

Being a nobleman himself, he was naturally brought up to be a man of god. A few nights ago, however, his mother was shocked to hear him speaking the way he did. "Where does god come from? Why did he create us? Do you truly believe, mother? Why do we have to live like this? Is that part of god's plan too? How can you be so sure?"

William was perfectly horrified by it all. Ever since the death of his sister he had questioned the existence of god. This night, however, he would find his answer. He spent all night reading through the bible, various historical accounts, and recent scientific writings. He found nothing.

After hours of pacing, he found rest on the floor in the corner where the moon shown through. He looked up at the moon and the stars the way he had never looked at them before. "What reason have you for doing this to me?", he screamed into the night. "WHY?"

He found that life was meaningless. There was no need for rank or class, just the self. Pain, suffering, dying, guilt, money - it was all meaningless. He would never find any answers, even in death. This was absolutely terrifying. He stood up and burst out the door, running through the woods as fast as he could. He didn't know what he had hoped to find, death perhaps. William was in tears now. He refused to believe it, but every option led to the same conclusion. There are no answers in life, there are no answers in death. He would never know. William was breathing very heavily by now. His bones ached, and he collapsed. He remembered seeing something in the wind, a shadow....perhaps a wolf was coming to take him, just before he passed out.

He awoke by a fire. He was lying on a mattress in a small room with no floor, only the ground beneath. There was a fireplace to his right, and to his left a barred window. The room smelled of fine brandy and biscuits. He also noticed a stone staircase directly in front of him. "Where am I?", he thought. He felt a pain througout his body, and a certain numbness that he had never felt before. The pain of his thoughts still lingered like the foul stench of a rotting corpse. "This has to be some sort of dream."

"You are not dreaming", he heard a voice say to him. William was startled. He scanned the room for someone, but found nothing. "Life has no meaning anymore, does it? I've been watching you William. You are a beautiful creature you know."

"Who are you? Why have you brought me here?"

"Do not be alarmed, I'm not going to harm you. I actually have a gift for you."

Description - This story takes the reader into the mind of a paranoid heroin addict.

Breathe deep…..exhale. Slower this time…breathe. Its almost here and I don’t know what to do. Its never been this bad before. Just a few more….

“Angela.”

Who’s there? Is it him again? I knew he would come for me again, I just knew it!

“Angela, are you OK?”

Snap. “What? Umm..” Jolt. “Yeah I…I’m fine.”

“You look tired. Did you sleep last night?” Try as you might Daniel, you’re not getting in again. I will not be your tool. Not again.

Angela looked up at her boss’s face. She was almost panting at this point, as if she was holding onto something with her life. “I’m fine, I’m just a little tired is all.” She managed to choke out a coherent thought in the midst of this madness. Daniel looked down at her with his most sympathetic face and began to speak in his deepest kind-hearted voice.

“Your shift ends in an hour. Just take the rest of the day off. Try to get some sleep.”
Just like the pervert. Get me all rested up for you. Well, if you think this time is going to be the same then you’ve…

“Thank you sir. I … I can send you the rest of the case file by email if you’d like.”

“Get some sleep,” he said as he turned to walk away. Angela waited until he was out of sight, gathered her briefcase and files, and rushed off to her car without speaking to anyone along the way.
The ride home was the longest 30 minutes of her life. Upon entering, she immediately found what she was waiting for all day. Glory. I have been waiting for you all day my love. Bliss set in, that horrible bliss that washed away all the bad thoughts. The needle was cold, or maybe her skin was warm. I don’t know. She unraveled the tourniquet, threw the demon needle on the ground, and began her decent. Sleep. I need sleep. The bed had never felt so comfortable, and the heroin never felt so consuming. Yawn. Exhale. Everything will be better in…just….a few…

“Daniel? What are you doing here? I thought that…”

“Come to me love, I can take you away. No I’m not mad at you. It was only a wedding. You had every right to leave. If you loved my brother more, no one can blame you for that. You must follow your heart.”

Wedding? What is he talking about. I remember….something… Oh yes. The wedding. Our wedding that never was. It was your fault.

The wedding bells were loud and painful to her ears. Everything was black, no…white. Maybe it was both? That’s not important. They were all shades of gray. Here comes the bride. Walk.

The faces in the crowd turned accusingly, piercing through my veins like the needle with whom I had fallen in love. Just keep walking. Monsters. Their faces were pale with cold black eyes, staring at me. That man is not a priest, but an executioner. If only I could see under his hood…Daniel? My love? He was dressed in black with shades of rainbow. “You may kiss the bride.” Came what sounded like the very voice of god, or the devil….my devil. Daniel leaned in to kiss her. Pain pain pain. She felt like someone had just stabbed her in the back. The gentle embrace had become her not so gentle demise. Her body was being ripped apart. She couldn’t breathe. Help. Help. She looked into the crowd as this monster tore at her flesh, the red staining her beautiful white or gray dress. She looked desperately for her mother, but found only mice.

Mice?

Giant mice. Everywhere. Much bigger than she was. She was in a court room. “No further questions your honor,” she said without intending it. She was watching from somewhere….somewhere safe? She didn’t know, but only that she was watching herself. The judge looked at the rat on the witness stand. He stroked his tiny whiskers and appraised the court house. I could see the snide little look on his rat face as he stared a hole through my veins. It burns. “GUILTY,” came the boom of the rat’s voice as he stared straight at Angela. Screaming. Is this me? Am I screaming? Yes, SOMEBODY HELP! The scream came from deep inside the rat’s throat, all the way through my being.

This isn’t a courtroom. Angela could feel the rope around her neck as the executioner pulled the platform away, causing her to fall to her death. The rope squeezed tighter, tighter until she couldn’t breathe anymore. When will I stop falling?

Buzz.

She fell onto a mattress of razorblades. Scream. Pain. The windows came from nowhere and shattered. The glass was sticking into her hands and her eyes. Pain. Everywhere hurt from the glass.

Buzz.

Loud music. Nightmares. Monsters. Help. Someone please help me. Snakes. Everywhere. “Raise above” said the biggest snake. He looked at Angela and spoke clearly and defiantly. Laughter. “Now abhor yourself as much as you revile your own craving. WAKE UP!”
Buzz.

The doorbell was louder than she had ever remembered. She awoke, sweating and screaming. The sound came from the door. “Miss, are you OK? I heard screaming. Hello?”

“I’m…I’m fine it was just…just a nightmare,” Angela managed to choke out through the vomit that was coming up.

“Ok, I was just checking. Are you sure you’re all right?”

“Yes. Please go away.” Vomit.

She looked at the digital alarm clock, which flashed the time in a most taunting way. Midnight already? She needed air. She walked over to the window of her 10th floor apartment and opened the balcony window. Look at yourself. Angela was leaning against the wall at the only spot she had allowed to show light from the outside world. She was shaking. She looked over at the needle on the floor and began crying, screaming.

Angela Erickson, you are dead to me.

I wrote this a while ago.

Life stands still, empty
Dreams unfulfilled, searching
For the impossible?
No.
Hide yourself, such a clever carpenter
Behind a wall of binary
Pixelate your world and you will see
A world of possibilities.
Your dreams in high resolution
Anything you want to be.
Emoti[c]on is a click away
Smile, you're on camera.
Break down the [fire]walls
You can't get to me.

Life speeds up, busy
Get out of [My]Space
Get out of my Face[book]
Sensory reality Trojan horse
Google how it smells
Don't need to feel [animated]
Life has [Digital] meaning
Inhale the fiber optics
LOL [YCG2M]
[Down]load feeling
Up[Load] your life

You loved me once that wasn't a lie
Your kiss doesn't lie
Like we would lie
For hours in time
Talking about the things on our minds
Now it isn't so kind without a spine
The bruise of loneliness entwined
Like the ghost your hand in mine
Nails scratch and claw, I wanted it all
My mind lands on these land mines
Guess I didn't see the signs
Everything I see reminds me of you
Guess I was just rubber and you were the glue
And I'd take it all back if you wanted to
Give anything to hold you anew
Or get back the memories of the girl I once knew
"We were both unhappy. It was mutual"
Why?

I fell asleep on a beam of light
And woke up in a station
I saw your words before I heard them
Heard your voice before I saw you
Saw your face before you saw me
Knew you'd leave before you met her
And I don't know but I can only guess
Why.

Now when I think about you
My heart sings in time
Thump-thump thump-thump thump-thump
When I hear you sing
Your voice becomes a megaphone
My heart screaming to the beat
Thump-harder thump-faster
When you touch my skin
Your callused fingers tear into me
The warmth heats up my heart
Until I feel it might explode
Thumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthump
And when you leave my heart sinks into my feet
Crushed by my ever step
Thump-crunch

Life in the valley
There are no roads here, only alleys
Where the shadows dwell
The shadows of what might have been
Every day is cloudy
Where the light can scarce be seen
And the rain will wash away
Everything the people feel
Until their eyes are soaked
But emotions run dry
No one leaves their home here
Demons haunt the yards
And stalk them as they sleep
Vampires that will drain the people dry
Regret and Nostalgia they call them here
Twins
And there is no one there to help

Surrounding the valley are mountains,
High as the sun that no one can see
Vast as the ocean where the people are drowning
And on the mountaintop, the people are bathed in light
It’s a Bohemian dream
Where everything and nothing is exactly how it seems
Everyone is a slave to creativity
There are children running and playing
With enough energy to power an electronics store
Everything and everyone is connected here
There is never any fear
And looking down there are only clouds
No worries because everything makes sense
but the dread in your stomach
Hope is a 4 letter word here
Until the inevitable fall
Back down to the valley
Where there are no roads, only darkened alleys.

Ice Cream and Hyperbole

She

What Its Like

King Street Station

December, 4th 2004

Breathe deep

Solitude [IRL]

Whatever

Thump, crunch.

Life in the valleys

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